This is a ramble post... Just one of those feeling how I am feeling and way too long for a Facebook Status update.
I am having one of those nights where I am feeling like I will never measure up and then trying to decide if I even want to. Not sure if I am sad about things or content. So here I am to blog it.
And then that brings me to my blog. I am not a super awesome with words type of girl. I do not demand an audience with every letter typed. Is anything I say interesting to anyone? Probably not.
But I blog anyways because it makes me feel good. :0) And then I get tons of email spam in my inbox alerting me to the fun hackers/spammers hope to gain from commenting links on my page. Gives them something to keep busy I guess.
But anyways... here I am. 33 years old. Trying to find my place as women attracting someone and single mom of three. And I find myself continually beating myself up for who I am. Watching other people as their lives scream - awesome - adventurous - you want to be with this girl. And mine screams - pick up the Nintendo Controllers, Sweep the pine needles from the kitchen and clean the tub ring from the showers so if someone looks in they don't think I bathed a pig in there and left it for show.
I do not trot the globe going to all kinds of exciting adventures. Nope, I am here. In my own little world because one - my kids are here. Tied for years to this place as result of having another parent who might not be so excited if I swoop his kids off and away. Then there is the little thing called $ that makes it not even an option. So oh you have never been ... anywhere? yep. Not since I have been an adult. My life pre marriage was pretty exciting. I have been to Poland/Germany, Panama multiple times, always beach vacations... then I grew up. ... And Erie PA has become once again an exciting outing. 3 hour car ride - a vacation!
Then lets talk about my cultural experience. What? Wreck it Ralph is not a classic movie? The Steakhouse that still allows us to throw peanuts on the floor is my ideal restaurant because one, I love the food... but two - my kids can scream all they want and no one notices.
But... the truth is... I do not want to be... I am me. I will slop something on my shirt. Heck my kids think fine linen is when I have on a nice shirt that they wipe their mouths on. Even without my kids - I am out of my element when I can't tell what I am ordering on the menu. And it makes me nervous to be so far outta my comfort zone. Sure I like new things... but reality is I am so happy at being out that I do not want to waste it not not liking something. The experience is not something I get every day and to be disappointed is not the outcome I am willing to shoot for. Not to mention my taste palette stopped developing at 12.
I am so thankful for technology. I hate when people use big words and movie or book quotes to talk. Truth is - I have no clue what you are saying. If it wasn't for google on my phone I could not join in half the conversations I try to engage in. I have not heard that line, I do not know what you are talking about and you lost me. Not impressed at how stupid I feel and it better be worth the time to look it up.
My favorite moments come when I am surrounded by my friends. As kids yell and act all silly crazy, run up and slug you, laugh and run away. As we try to engage in adult conversations, broken by pauses to get Captain America down from the fourth limb up (good throw!).
Where once our hot tub was turned up to a scalding temp - we enjoy a warm bath water feel because our fun is invaded by little swimming crazies who want to join us. Sexy fun? HA. No way. But loving every second and seeing the excitement of getting to hot tub with the adults.
Camping Bonfires are more centered around smores and making sure no one steals all the chocolate and helping rotate the odd shaped marshmallows.
Card nights are interrupted by can I help you play that hand? please teach me to play! ... and we do. Stop playing 500 bid and lets get out the Apples to Apples... and its ok.
I wonder if I should try harder... Sometimes I feel like the excitement I get from working at the kids Cafeteria is crazy and juvenile. Why don't I want to finish my degree of Computers and strive in the corp. world making $$$$$? I know I should. But I adore going to the school, making the lunch room inviting and smiling at each kid asking them if they want apple sauce, peaches or pears. I love smiling at the kids and seeing how happy they are at PCA. And I know that I do not care about a computer, I care about those kids. And helping them open their juice pop. ... but I struggle because it doesn't feel like I am striving to be who the world says I should be.
And I facebook. About my silly days. What ketchup we like best. Our trip creek stomping and soaking ourselves in a waterfall. Burning two dollar snakes and snapping snaps and having a perfect evening with it. Nothing exciting but completely awesome to me.
But I feel the weight of it all... when I look out and think about wanting to be known for me. I am more than Disney Channel and Macaroni an Cheese. I do have a mind and it is full of thoughts and opinions. I love to debate. I like to know what is going on in the world - just don't always have the chance to if I am not filled in. Because my life moves so fast, even when it is stalled with sick kids keeping us cooped up. The demands are heavy. More than I can bear at sometimes. But to the outside... seems so ... nothing.
I don't have a history of good music. I don't experiment with breaking rules so my experience with anything makes me seem naive and clueless. I am the one who chose to use her paycheck on my car and savings instead of smoking and had AMAZING friends who wouldn't let me anyways. I think it was because they wanted me to cover drive thru while they went for a smoke but they claim it is because they cared about me...
So I struggle... I LOVE ME. I love my life. I like my childish ways. I love swinging on swings. I love drawing and jumping on trampolines. I love watching fantasy movies. I like singing teenage songs with clean lyrics that make me happy not feel like death. I adore rodeos and walks in the woods. I like going to a place I can get a milkshake and set traditions around mint ones.
The thought of going to a play or place of class freaks me out. I do not shop just to shop because it is not something I can do and it does not make me happy to feel like I am outta place. I just would rather not go.
If you want me to come up with ideas of fun... my mind goes to roller skating and kayaking. If I have to dress up I want to cry. Not because I do not like it. Because I have nothing to wear. I am a mom remember. If I did have something nice - I wore it and it is not grease stained or shrunk. And my body can't handle class either. I am stuck in that odd spot where I want to be 20 forever and that is my style... but my body is old and I can't (never could) but to wear what works for me - I feel twice my age and just depresses me more. So I would rather stay in my camo pants and batman tshirt and stay home. I want my gorilla glued combat boots and you can take these heels and go out with someone else.
I am shy around new people. I love to entertain my friends and welcome them to my home. I love to crash their places too... but the ones I am crashing... ask me how long I have known them. 16 years... So if you want to come crash my place - please do. But if you mention the fingermarks on my wall or pee on the seat I have yet to see because I have 3 bathrooms and do not spend every second of my life following my boys in there. But I do get it after they zonk out for the night. So if you want to see my house good - come at bedtime. or first thing in the morning. After that - just don't come if you are faint of heart.
I struggle... do I even want to let people in my world? Letting people in means displaying yourself and holding your breath to see if you are good enough. And facing reality that for most of the people you do - the answer will be - sorry. Not what we are looking for. And that is raw. As raw as it can get. The outcome could be awesome.. but the odds are not good. And the more time and experience that comes... the more I wonder... is it even worth it. Because I like me. And each time I figure out that someone doesn't it makes me question my worth.
So that's how I am feeling tonight as I go to bed. I am not depressed and sad about me. I love me. I think I am super awesome. It's just what goes through my mind... all the time. All the time.